Assistance Please

Hi Everyone

I hope all 1000+ of you that have downloaded the digital version of my book for Amazon Kindle have enjoyed it. I would like to ask a favour of you though. Could you please forward me any comments you have regarding the few minor typos I have made that bypassed the (crazy drunk) editor who has subsequently been banished to the deepest recesses of my next novel as someone who wil lbe torn apart by werewolves (or Deep Ones… I haven’t decided yet).

thx. Feel free to post here as comments until I set up a site specific email.

xoxo
Sean

Want to know what I am up to?

Writing two books.

One is a secret fiction project, a horror project.  A scary horror project set in the 1960s.  Sorry, no details as yet.  Later.

The second is a non-fictional collection of satirical and maniacal essays.  Here is a(nother) sample, enjoy. Or don’t.  I love you just the same:

 

(I hate) Monkeys

I know we evolved form the same genus but I don’t like monkeys.  I don’t find them cute or humorous.  I do not like seeing them dressed up as humans. I don’t, in those very few times a decade I am forced to go to a zoo, go see the “monkey house” or whatever it is called.  I have no interest in their preservation or the poaching of them for “bush meat” by locals.  I do not care if technically we are primates.  I firmly believe that if tomorrow all of the great apes (“great”) contracted a disease and died off, that apart from the Jane Goodall types buying a lot more tissues over the subsequent weeks and jungles world wide stinking more than they do, nothing of note would happen.   Okay, maybe  less feces would be flung at zoo patrons and a lot fewer children would be shocked to see gorillas manipulating their genitals.
I do not like or have use for apes, and that goes for Monkeys too.
No, I am not entirely sure of the difference.
No, I do not wish to know, but thank you for offering.
Once, many years ago, I went to the Toronto Metro zoo with my oldest (a baby at the time) and a friend.  My disdain for apes was already entrenched when I happened upon the cruelest display that I had ever seen in an animal exhibit.  A small group of capybara (giant guinea pigs as far as I can tell) were milling about in a fake jungle setting along a fake pool of real water.  I reached in and petted the oddly sedate little creatures and noted that they seemed serene and gentle, almost, friendly.  A screech from above and a spider monkey flew down from place unseen onto the back of one of the animals.  He/she rode it like a small hairy acid-tripping hairy naked cowboy.  The monkey pulled its ears, yanked on its fur and proceeded to cause chaos and panic among the remaining pack (group?  flock? huddle?  swarm?) I yelled at it as  the piggy things ran around and around, some falling into the water, others banging into each other, all the while the other filthy mini-monkeys smiling and screaming gleefully in support as he yanked and rode and screamed aloud.
I banged on the cage/enclosure.  Monkey looked right at me, eyes to eyes, hatred sizzling between us.
The capybara moved to my side of the fenced area and tried to shake the monkey to no avail.  It stopped moving eventually, facing away from me, exhausted.  The monkey, still yanking fur also had its back to me.  I reached down through the chain link usually only entered by brave little fingers intent on touching the sides and head of the big wire haired mega-Guinea Pigs and grabbed the tail fur of the monkey.  I pulled, hard.  The little bastard jumped away with yet more irritating screaming, looking right at me, fury in its stupid little brown eyes.  Then being a human afraid of incarceration for animal abuse, I turned tail and fled, the screaming behind me not ending till I was out of sight.
I know, I get it, we are primates too.  I should think of them with some sort of communal fondness I guess.  I should perhaps reach into that bucket or bag where I keep my liking of animals and draw from it some love for my apish comrades.  They can’t help being what they are.  They can’t change natural instincts anymore than we can nor their hairiness, their smell, their innate desire to throw feces.  I should be sympathetic.  However, when these thoughts creep into my mind, my superior primate mind, my evolved hairless ape mind, I think about those cold little brown eyes with their bloodshot whites and such a desire to change flies from my head.

Damn dirty apes…

Hate them.

Trapping Gnomes

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1. Bait trap with honey cakes
2. Set trap near a purposely unkempt garden
3. Wait in shadows with flashlight and hose
4. When trap goes off, turn on light, chase away other gnomes with hose, grab trap and run inside.
5. Plug ears as the magical pleading of wild folk can drive one insane
6. Plunge trap in stockpot full of boiling water
7. Wait 30 minutes then turn off heat.
8. When water is cooled, remove trap and place in garden IN DAYLIGHT HOURS ONLY
9. Lock all windows and doors for 13 nights and ignore sounds of crying babies and wailing cats. After this period of time passes they will leave.

P.s. Remember to discard broth of gnome and any boiled off remains into a pit dug at seaside, covered in moss and three rotten fish and sand replaced above to original level. Water with vinegar and the blood of a sparrow.

You shall not be cursed with gnomes again.

HPL

I missed wishing one and all a happy Lovecraft day yesterday. Sorry about that. In honour of him I went out and bought a copy of Arkham Horror as well as read some of his poetry over breakfast. What did YOU do?

 

One Day Only! Free Book! My Book! (Digital format only)

Starting midnight tonight for 24 hours (or so)..

TONIGHT AT MIDNIGHT!!! One Day Only.. the digital version of my book for Amazon Kindle (on your PC, iPad, iPod Touch, smartphone, HAL 9000 ultra-super computer etc.) is on sale for the low price of, well… FREE! 24 hours only, its the END OF SUMMER DEPRESSION SALE!

Or you can always buy a hardcopy.. if you love me that is…


http://www.amazon.ca/dp/1475260733

The Ticklers

I am afraid of the Ticklers
The Ticklers live under the stairs
They live in the shadows and corners unseen
They tickle your uncovered hairs.

My brother won’t go in the basement
He told me ’bout them long ago
Accepting all of mom’s complainin’
no matter the prize, he’ll say no.

“It’s different” he says “when you’re older”
“No more tickles, a pinch, yeah, that’s right”
And pinches change when they get bolder,
cause a pinch, soon becomes a small bite.

I am afraid of the Ticklers
The Ticklers live down there and wait
They live with their hunger, patient and pallid
Hoping you’ll come to your fate

I’ve seen them, I have, when I sat at the top
of the stair, door open a sliver
The light from the washer was just barely enough,
what I saw, well, it still makes me shiver

They slunk back and forth, hissing ,looking at me
with a hungerful, fiery red hate
Naked and grey, skin that hasn’t seen day,
big black eyes that spoke loudly “we’ll wait…”

I’m deathly afraid of the Ticklers
They’re supposed to stay down in the gloom
They’re supposed to need moisture and shadows and dark
They’re supposed to stay out of my room

But last night I awoke from a tickle
Last eve I awoke from a fright
Last eve I awoke to a scurrying sound
as they scurried away in the night

But what they don’t know is I’m ready
I’m ready to fight for my life
They’re not going to eat me, no nibble no bite
For I’m going to bed with a knife

The Ticklers

I am afraid of the Ticklers
The Ticklers live under the stairs
They live in the shadows and corners unseen
They tickle your uncovered hairs.

My brother won’t go in the basement
He told me ’bout them long ago
Accepting all of mom’s complainin’
no matter the prize, he’ll say no.

“It’s different” he says “when you’re older”
“No more tickles, a pinch, yeah, that’s right”
And pinches change when they get bolder,
cause a pinch, soon becomes a small bite.

I am afraid of the Ticklers
The Ticklers live down there and wait
They live with their hunger, patient and pallid
Hoping you’ll come to your fate

I’ve seen them, I have, when I sat at the top
of the stair, door open a sliver
The light from the washer was just barely enough,
what I saw, well, it still makes me shiver

They slunk back and forth, hissing ,looking at me
with a hungerful, fiery red hate
Naked and grey, skin that hasn’t seen day,
big black eyes that spoke loudly “we’ll wait…”

I’m deathly afraid of the Ticklers
They’re supposed to stay down in the gloom
They’re supposed to need moisture and shadows and dark
They’re supposed to stay out of my room

But last night I awoke from a tickle
Last eve I awoke from a fright
Last eve I awoke to a scurrying sound
as they scurried away in the night

But what they don’t know is I’m ready
I’m ready to fight for my life
They’re not going to eat me, no nibble no bite
For I’m going to bed with a knife