The above photograph is what my hotel room desk looked like ten minutes ago. As I patiently waited for my Surface(tm) tablet computer thing to update whatever files it downloaded recently, I lay out all the little snacks I brought with me from home. It certainly isn’t that I don’t like to wander the streets of Toronto on occasion in the evening but tonight I just want to stay in. That said, being in a hotel room is not like being at home when one is a grazer. I like to have little snacks all day and don’t really go in for big meals so this time of night I am usually having a piece of bread (whole grain OF COURSE) with some PB and honey before bed. Oddly, they don’t have bread, PB or honey in hotel rooms (except the more posh places at $8 a slice/ounce) so I have learned a long time ago to bring a few cans of (DIET, jeesh stop judging me) pop, nuts, fruit etc. Tonight is a rare treat as my wife made me one of my favorite things, homemade hummus, the night before I left. Nom frigging nom nom..
As noted already, I currently smell very nice. I just had a sweetly hot shower in a tub with one of those higher quality multi-selection shower heads. Bliss. I desperately needed a shower as I had just forced myself to run four miles (six point four kilometers for people in the twenty-first century) on a treadmill after noshing on a healthy whole grain club sandwich and a big salad. Forced, because frankly overt the last two weeks my running and my TRAINING for yet another half marathon has taken a bit of a turn. I should have known it was coming, it happens every year in about August, I caught a summer virus. This after a week off where my training was cut back for “marital” reasons (to keep my wife happy). Last Tuesday, I felt sore in the neck and shoulders. I assumed it was because I ran pretty fast the night before. I slathered myself with Tiger Balm and went to bed.
Note: Tiger balm is great. It smells like an apothecary from the 1800s. It is exotic and warm and tingly and makes you want to PUKE if you put too much of it on in the vicinity of your head, wrap up like a human burrito and go to sleep. Just letting you know.
Next morning and all the next day, my head was stuffed up. I assumed it was allergies but being a Very Cheap Man I balked at purchasing my usual go-to allergy meds and grabbed some daytime cold tablets. Took a few, felt better. Took a few more that night, again, felt a little better. Went to bed, took two more.
Note: Taking daytime cold tablets at night will either keep you awake or make you have fitful insane dreams about murderous clowns and zombie rapists. Just letting you know.
Thursday, I had no choice but to go to work. I had booked the afternoon of the next day off as my kidlings were coming back from being away for two weeks at summer camp (hence our previous week of MARITAL VACATION). I arrived with a hodgepodge of inappropriate pharmaceuticals to treat my ailment and managed to finish the day having managed to only choke down a protein shake and some soup and a tea. That night was an influenza-like evening of nausea, pain, dizziness, headache and misery like none I had had since a few very bad hangovers in the nineties or perhaps when I had Swine Flu (H1N1) in 2009. I did not sleep that night well even though I had gravolled myself up like a convict on a cross Atlantic extradition flight.
Friday. Misery. Picked up kids, try were both sick. Took them to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and slept through 30% of it.
Saturday, saw doctor, was told it was a virus (no shit Sherlock ) and immediately started feeling better. No, seriously. On the drive home, no prescription given, no new drugs purchased, I slowly started feeling better. It took until two in the afternoon today, the following Monday to eliminate the virus from my system.
Back to why I smell good and why that is important.
So, work finished, meal finished, in a hotel in Toronto Canada (where everyone is wearing sweaters and jackets because they seem to despise any temperature that isn’t what I would call comfortable) I decide to get back in training mode and run. I run. I run faster than I should. I am very sweaty. The pool is currently being used for some sort of Islamic convention gathering and overcrowded so I decide to head to my room. I take a wrong turn on some stairs and find myself on the 26th floor elevator landing. A very nicely dressed (and likely nice smelling) crowd of six people in their early twenties is clustered around the doors waiting and chatting. I keep my distance. When the elevator arrives I tell them to go ahead “I’ll get the next one, I’m pretty disgusting right now”. They insist that it is okay and after another attempt to dissuade them I get in the car. I tell them “I’ll stay near the doors”. They laugh. A big fat guy from some place south of our borders gets on and I look back and say “You still have time..” they laugh and big guy looks back at all of us with a scowl, likely assuming we are laughing at his expense. Next floor, another guy gets on. Then another. I look around me “Warned you..” they laugh nervously, big guy turns around and scowls again (maybe he thinks I am threatening the kids with my water bottle). Then I realize I haven’t chosen a floor. I reach and see that I am on an elevator that doesn’t go to floor six. I choose floor two, being the next floor it stops at. I stand quietly. I hear shuffling away from my general location. Fat guy looks back menacingly. Floor two arrived and I rush off, find the RED elevators that go to floor six and head “home”.
Now I smell nice.
Note: Garlic (as found in items such as hummus) has the innate ability to make the eater especially if one eats large quantities, to exude the smell of garlic from their skin. No amount of gum or soap will completely remove this smell completely. It begins to be apparent approximately six hours after eating for most people and can be evident for upwards of twelve hours.
My meeting tomorrow is in ten hours