Duck You

I don’t understand people. Okay, that is inaccurate, I don’t understand people. No, let me try again. I DO understand why people do the things that they do that I find irritating, silly, moronic and/or plain old dopey, I just don’t understand why they do. No. Again, words fail me. I Understand the biochemical reasons, the evolutionary reasons behind the actions of other humans. Everything can be explained. Everything can be tied back to survival mechanisms. That said, I don’t understand people.


That keeps slipping out.

I get why people do things I think are frankly idiotic. I do, I really do. I just don’t understand people.


NO. I guess my problem is that I fully and completely understand that people are ducking boneheads and, why does my computer keep changing duck to duck. Ducking, fuckity duck fuck. Aha. Fuckity isn’t a real word and unlike duck there is no single letter right beside the first letter of the word I typed that the ever omnipotent Microsoft (that apparently knows to capitalize itself) thinks I meant to use. Duck, duck, fuck. Wait. Hold on. Duck. Corrected. Duck fuck duck fuck duck.. Okay, now I am confused. “Duck duck” is okay.. wait. Why did it change the second duck to duck this time.

Okay. Fuck. If I put a period after it, it’s accepted.


Apparently it’s okay to write that I am attending a duck puck. Puck? WTF?

What the duck.

My name is Mister Duck. Fuck.

Oddly, unlike old school MS Word, duck ahem “duck” ahem “duck.” Oh Jesus H Christ on a stick. F.U.C.K. doesn’t even show up with the little red wiggly “I don’t know this word” line that appears under fuckity I can see it right there, now) so I cannot even right click on it and say “add to your prudish dictionary that capitalizes Microsoft and Jedi yet doesn’t know one of the oldest and most used “bad words” in all languages on our planet”.

I guess I will try to fix that later.

I don’t understand tucking people.

Tucking. That’s new. What’s wrong with ducking.

Duck I don’t understand fucking people. Woah. Hold on.

People make me crazy. There. I understand why people do the irritating things they do because they feel compelled to do such things due to biochemical and emotional reactions based on millions of years of survival based evolution. Most of all, I don’t understand women. Okay I do. I DO understand women and the things they do and why they do the things they do, I just don’t understand why they would not want to fight evolution and stop doing the crazy shit (aha! Shit and “aha” are good to use!) they do among themselves and not around the rest of us.

Not all women. I wish to make that clear right now, I mean just the ones at the back of the train car I am in who haven’t shut the duck up for the past two and a half hours.

Where are my fucking headphones.


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