Librarian Chix Rock and other Stories

(Working title of my as yet un-written autobiography)

It is late autumn. I am sitting in a library. I am sitting in the library because my gym is packed with older women taking or waiting to take group fitness classes. I had planned to write a chapter or two of my next comedy novel (the better one) but I see that I am an idiot. Thanks to having far too many computer devices (tablet, two smart phones, laptop (circa 2008) and desktop (circa pre-2008) and THE CLOUD, I have made a grave error. I had started writing on this device (the tablet), saved said file on the desktop and uploaded a copy to THE CLOUD. The next time I felt like writing, I used my laptop. I saved it on the desktop rather than THE CLOUD. So, here I am in the library, patiently awaiting my children to finish their sporty activities, ready to write and whammo, I cannot see what I wrote last time. It was a significant amount of humorous tale. I don’t know where I left off. It has been a few weeks as I was sidetracked with a script I started (and have not yet abandoned but it is now looking sad and lonely). I dare not re-write anything as then I will have to decide which version is better. I best walk away (figuratively) and tackle it again tomorrow. Likely I will forget what my plan was and do something else till I remember.

I promise, it was a good bit of writing I was going to do today. Here, let me make a few bullet points so you can remind me:

  • Dan tells his tale of woe
  • Dan’s new ex (long story) proceeds to get his car stolen
  • Tim Allows Dan to stay at his house but Marie, Tim’s wife who has been talking to the ex says no.
  • Dilemma (Tim is Dan’s friend but also his boss)
  • A mysterious package arrives
  • The femme fatale shows up
  • Hilarity ensues
  • Oops, the nanny too! LOL
  • LOL!!

The library is nowhere near as fun or exciting as when I was thirteen and I would walk the three blocks from my house two nights a weekend and at least one a week and load up with a cornucopia of books. I would start at 001.00 and peruse the nutty supernatural books and sasquatch books and UFO books. I’d slide to history. I’d backtrack to science. I’d go to any one of two dozen random places within the library, fawn over a few young library workers, be looked over the glasses at by my friend Anne’s mother, find a place to sit and read. I’d often stay till someone would finally start turning off lights. I’d check out my pile of books and haul them home. This would be repeated over and over and over till I REALLY discovered girls (or more accurately till I got a job at a theatre and discovered that girls would go on dates with me…).

Back when I was in my pre-women phase (though still fawning over the young librarian helper girls) I should have applied for a job at the place. I knew where everything was. I could find a book often by its name and author alone knowing the Dewey Decimal system as well as I did. The library had a smell. A slightly musty, woody smell. The young librarian girls smelled like drug store perfume. The stairs to the children’s library had a smell of rubber stair mats. Not as nice as the previous two smells. I swear I could smell my way to a book. Okay, no, I could smell my way to a pretty young librarian girl and pretend I couldn’t find a book and she’d help me. Then I’d shy away because I was coy and dumb.

Actually, aside, I DID finally one day ask out a young librarian girl. I cannot remember her name but she said yes and we went out and we danced (a LOT) drank (a fair bit) and danced (really, really closely) then she told me that she was engaged to some big dumb Dutch guy. It was, seriously, a church arranged marriage. After cursing the Dutch I proceeded to woo her more for a few weeks. She eventually said that maybe she would back out of the thing because she lived on her own now and never went to the church. At this point I did what I have in the past done a fair bit and got distracted by shiny things (other women) and yeah, she and I were through, her engagement was off and she didn’t get mad at me though she should have.

Anyways, original point, ok, second point, libraries at that time were more dank, dark, mysterious. I SWEAR they try their best to make them more open and inviting. It’s not working. There are MAYBE 20 people in here tonight and most of them are bozos sitting at desks writing or internet scouring due to free wi-fi. The internet makes it less attractive to the masses to find information in quick, sound-bitey snippets of inaccuracy than in actual wood books. The internet also makes it less attractive to meet young librarian women in person so people google “young librarians hot single” and find pictures of quite dull minded non-librarians with horn rimmed glasses, no underwear, looking down stairs at you sporting a surprised look. (I am only assuming).

So here I sit. Cursing THE CLOUD and my own stupidity, cursing the Dutch (and my own stupidity) and cursing the Neo Library Design Movement which also includes a push toward allowing people to be LOUD and have LOUD group discussions at tables full of people not looking at books or creeping at Young Librarian Women which is what you are SUPPOSED to do in a library.

I need a coffee.

Jesus. Look. You can now buy food and coffee in the library. What the hell? You will only ENCOURAGE THEM to enter the building!! Stop it now.

Marie. That was her name.

She could really dance.

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