Astrology for December

Astrology is bunk. It is impossible for stars/celestial bodies that far away to have any measurable effect on a human’s life, their moods, their emotions or their personalities. That and the “signs” that were derived oh, a gazillion years ago, should have changed since that time due to the motion of said celestial bodies through the sky relative to our own motion. i.e. If you were born in the sign of Gemini back in 1400, you wouldn’t be “Gemini” today.. but the proponents of faeries, dragons, homeopathy and astrology always ignore science and reality so they don’t care.

However. For fun. I will give you my own personal zodiac predictions for the next month. What the hell, this could become a regular thing. Only the stars know.. (oooo eeee ooooh..)



Mysterious, mystical you. Your birthday is coming. You will get less presents or gifts this month than someone whose birthday is later on after the solstice for some mystical reason. Smile anyways. At least you won’t have it as bad as… Lucky number 13


Don’t be a dick. Everyone knows your birthday is around Xmas and you get less gifts but talking about it will only get you additional dollar store crap. Have another drink or two and warm up the snow blower. Lucky number 8675309


Expect some free time on weekends unless you are a football fan because it is rerun season and Xmas movie/special season. It’s cold out. Stock up on egg nog before it leaves the shelves and wear more blue. Lucky letter F, Number 71


Hey water bearer dude and dudettes. It’s the wrong time of year to bear water. New Year’s will soon be you and luckily unlike Pisces (all of whom have red hair!) you have a date! Even if it’s just your cat or a picture of a cat or a video of a friends cat or a stranger’s cat. Cats! Happy Cat Day!


You soul stealing ginger you! Go forth and pretend it is spring! Heating bills will drop off soon so throw a sweater on your lovely chunky ginger self and be thankful for your insulating layers! At least you aren’t as lonely as those dark and goth Aquarius people! Live it up! Lucky sound, an oboe.


Angry god of war yet baby of spring! Explain that oh stars! Start watching professional soccer this month as the half season is near end. Bet on the top team and pretend you are a fan of the third place team. This will get you a few free drinks from the Pisces in the pub (just don’t trust them with your children or cat!) Lucky number, 1


Idea for a t-shirt for you this month: “I’m a Taurus, wanna run with a bull?”. Feel free to use it at the company Xmas party. People already thing you are a pushy prick so it won’t be considered inappropriate. Lucky smell, cheese toast and juniper. Lucky smell, napalm (in the morning, rawr).


Xmas pickup line for you “I’m Gemini baby, well hung twice..”. Works after a few hours of heavy drinking and if you are a man. If you are a woman, you could try something along the lines of “I have a twin sister, lets party” but that will only work if you have a twin sister or you are planning to bludgeon a drunk guy who tries to take you home and steal his wallet. As all Gemini’s are well known to be sociopaths, you will find this funny if not “a good plan” if you lose your job. Loneliest Number, 1


Nobody likes Cancer.


You, Ares and Taurus are the testosterone crew! Hang out with a few of them this month! At a bar! Drink, pick up chicks! Quote Wil Ferrell! Go back to one of your places after you fail and play Xbox because honestly women suck. They don’t get your humour. Trivia: there are no female Leos. Lucky garment, sock (the left one).


Use your sign as a way to break into conversations about the Christmas Story. If lonely works, play up the “virgin birth” angle. Stock up on batteries, it’s a long, cold winter ahead. Lucky.. oh nevermind. Spring is coming…


Oh you icon of justice and balance. It is your job to mediate arguments at the corporate or family parties as usual this year. Watch cartoons, blog about their hidden meaning. Buy a cat. Cancer is likely not doing anything if no one is listening to you. Call them. Lucky thought, clouds. Ones shaped like dragons.


Again this year you must spend time defending your sign namesake. Bands, characters in movies and books, anyone named Scorpio is a dick. You are sensitive, quiet, thoughtful, pleasant. Let people know this. Do NOT again discuss plans for world domination, dealing with the “Islamic threat” or immigrants. Do not call your cottage your “compound”. Lucky bird, the Toucan.


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