Stuck in traffic, a crappy song on the usual satellite radio stations I frequent, I popped over to the eighties channel and was “blessed” with some Madonna.
“Express Yourself” blared from my speakers and contrary to normal policy, I let it play as frankly it isn’t all that terrible sounding (and my mind was elsewhere). A few blocks further and I started actually listening to the lyrics and not just the Harpy singing them or the thumping pseudo funk programmed music that accompanies her harsh screeching. I remembered the days gone by when young women clambered over one another to buy her records, dress like her and become a “diva” being a modernization of the term that now means a person who does what they do and doesn’t feel they should answer to anyone else’s social constructs. i.e. “I’m a diva, deal with it”.
Aside: I don’t think this has done much for society apart from turn a generation of people into self important folks with a false sense of entitlement, but who am I? A guy that over-interprets things, that’s who.
Prepare for analysis Madonna.
I put forward that this is not an anthem of self respect; it is a terrible song with a confusing message.
Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
‘Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this
The song starts with a promise that Madonna has some advice for the masses. Okay Eyebrows, lets hear it.
Don’t go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know you’ve got to
Make him express how he feels and maybe
Then you’ll know your love is real
So. You should not settle when choosing a person to be in a relationship with. Okay, that’s reasonable but right off the bat you are going to force him to express his emotions? Really? Hard stop. I’m male. Unless we’ve been in a long term relationship, we have no emotions. We have a desire to continue being in a relationship with you, maybe, but if you constantly press us to “be open” we will lie. It’s what we do because we want to keep dating you/seeing you/waking up beside you.
You don’t need diamond rings or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no no
What you need is a big strong hand to
Lift you to your higher ground
So, you don’t need material items to show we care for you (see Material Girl), even though diamonds “last forever”, but you do need us to be physically strong because as a woman, you need that to be at your peak. Noted. Off to the gym I guess and put the credit card away. We are eating at Swiss Chalet tonight Eyebrows.
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can’t come down
You’ll never come down
Treat you like a queen, but don’t buy you nice things or have a nice car, go to the gym and get buff. That’s what being the alpha-boyfriend is.
Chorus (back to the emotional requirements)
Long stem roses are the way to your heart but
He needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you’re not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn’t right then move on
Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better baby on your own
Baby on your own
So, no flowers, mind control through empty promises of happily ever after. If we have a nice décor in our bedroom it’s because we are obviously screwing around on you so it’s two hundred thread count rough as Hugh Jackman’s face bedding for Eyebrows. If you aren’t one hundred percent happy you should leave because being alone and free of the ups and downs of a normal relationship is best.
Second semi-chorus saying the same things.
And when you’re gone he might regret it
Think about the love he once had
Try to carry on
But he just won’t get it
He’ll be back on his knees
To express himself
You’ve got to make him
So when you leave, perhaps because we spent money on you, had nice bedding, didn’t go to the gym or didn’t have all the emotional baggage you think we should have, we will crawl back to you (ha!) because you are so amazing and we absolutely cannot follow your own specific advice and live life on our own for a while.
Repetition of all of the above a number of times to drill it into your head.
YOU ARE NUMBER ONE, YOU DESERVE PERFECTION IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT THEM IF THEY ARE NOT PERFECT BUT DON’T WORRY THEY WILL COME BACK BEGGING YOU TO RECONSIDER…
Verdict: What a crap song with terrible morals and messages hidden beneath a feminist veneer.
Okay, back to whatever I was doing this evening. Oh right, going to the gym.