Well, after a few months of stupid viruses, general overall business and a touch of grumpy old bastard apathy, I present you with a new rant-ish post. This is something I’ve started a few times and even incorporated into my next novel (if I EVER finish it). Enjoy.
Dear McDonalds and Dairy Queen:
When I was a kid, back in the stone age of the seventies, I wasn’t a frequent visitor to your restaurants mainly because my parents were heartless hippies who cared about my health. It was therefore a treat to visit once in a blue moon. At that time, and I do fully understand that it was a long time ago, you didn’t have to compete with Taco Bell, pizza joints and places that made salads. Hell you didn’t even MAKE salads back then. Your menu was simpler, smaller, easily printed on a sign and hung up on the wall behind the cash registers. Burger, cheese burger, fish sandwich, shake, pop (I don’t even thing milk was an option then). You didn’t flirt with things in wraps, Thai flavoring, baked goods or coffee that wasn’t a cheap pot of hot black gunge that some kid made at eight in the morning and sat there thickening until someone else’s grandfather brought them in for a burger. It was a simpler time.
Now I get that over the years we have moved on from painted signs and pots of crappy gas statio-esque coffee. I get that you must diversify and try new things to grasp and cling onto an ever thinning client base. I get that you need to re-vamp your frigging restaurants every two years and replace the now dated teenage slogans and catchphrases some forty-something marketing “expert” suggested you slap on the walls after they spent a weekend watching already cancelled Nickelodeon sitcoms. I fully comprehends all of that. What I cannot understand is your gods damned video menus.
How much is a hamburger? I just want a snack. It’s two in the afternoon, I haven’t eaten since eight and I won’t be home till six. Wait, the screens have all changed to become an advertisement for a fucking Santa Fe Salad with organic quinoa and poppyseed dressing. Wait, it’s back, I see a combo is $7.99 and that includes the burger and fries but how much is a .. Jebus H Cripes why are there straws and lids sliding and dancing back and forth across the screens?! Hold on, now it’s an ad for coffee. I like your coffee now, maybe I’ll have one with my.. FUCK WHY ARE THERE SCENES OF PEOPLE RUNNING THROUGH A FIELD?? There is no way any of them eat here, they are way too fit and happy. Okay, wow, menu is back. The “sandwich” (when the fuck did a hamburger become a sandwich?) is $5.99. Isn’t there a “value” menu? I don’t want a quarter pound of burger, just the small one, I guess I could get a kid’s meal. I don’t need the fries but I can give them to a hobo, I guess. OH MY FUCKING GODS it’s me next and the screen is blank.
“Good morning sir, how can I help you?”
“Um, I guess I want a… your menu sucks you know.”
Whispering “I know. I can’t even see the value menu over there”
“I guess I’ll have a coffee please, and a fillet of fish thing.”
“No, thanks. Just the coffee and the fillet of fish”
“No, medium please.”
The screen shows me smiling faces and something that looks like a salad the size of a small turkey platter. I am distracted.
“Sir? Did you want fries with that?”
“Sorry, no. But I’ll have one of those salads”.