Ode to a Tofurkey On Rye Sandwich

Oh you, yes you. I am looking at you. It is not even close to lunch hour yet you may not survive the ensuing three hours you tasty friend of yours truly.  Five glistening grey brown thin slices of roasted soy based faux-turkey goodness. You sat unaware upon a piece of lightly buttered Klosterbrot, abbey bread to the uninitiated, betwixt you a layer of artisanal Dijon moutard.  I hid you, like a child at play in the autumn, beneath a pile of baby kale. I imagined you laughing with glee as your Tofurkey father yells “hey! I’m trying to rake these up before your Tofurkey mother gets home!” and you kept on playing beneath the detritus of fall knowing he isn’t truly angry. I covered you with a blanket of more Klosterbrot but not before it too was lightly buttered and slathered with sweet relish.  Asleep in your bed, blissfully dreaming Tofurkey dreams of slaughter free food manufacturing technology, I cut you in half and shoved your carcass in a Ziploc bag. 

I shall eat you now, your screams filling my ears as I plan my weekend.

Ooh look, I brought Kimchi and gouda with melba toast for dessert!!

Product Review 001 – Water

Product Review #001 – Water


I cannot remember the first time I became acquainted with water but one would assume it was in the late 1960’s.  As years progressed, I have come to find that water does in fact change in taste, colour, transparency and odour based on one’s source. 

What is commonly known as “tap” water (as it is sourced from a “tap”) usually comes from a municipal water treatment facility, originally drawn from either a large body of water or a series of large wells. 

If one visits a more rural location or a third world country (much the same however the latter has more swarthy persons than the former), the usually source of drinking water tends to be a personal well (dug or drilled), often untreated or filtered and can contain high levels of insect particulates and mouse.  Quote from a local well owner “that’s free proh-teen! (Hyuck..)”. 

A third more modern form of drinking water is what is colloquially referred to as “bottled” water.  It is sold commercially and is delivered to the  consumer in (ironically enough) plastic or occasionally glass vessels known as bottles.  Most always it is sourced from the same municipally owned and operated large well systems as “tap water” (non-rural) and repackaged in 500 ml to 1000 ml sizes.

To facilitate this review I have obtained a single, room temperature 250ml glass (real glass, clean and dry) of each.  I am rating each brand of drinking water on the following parameters:






Tap water:

The colour is clear, transparent almost.  It seems to refract light in a pleasing way. Taste, oddly, like nothing at first but as one swishes and spits, it brings out a slight chlorine (pool) taste with hints of algae. Odour: none. Price $0.00 (for me as I simply drew it from a tap I do not own).

Rural “well” water:

Colour, clear again, again with the light refraction.  A few bits of what appears to be fibrous material, likely mouse hair or something from another mammal. Taste, an interesting blend of nothing and pennies.  Odour, a not unpleasent mild hydrogen sulphide, like a slightly off biere or an ouef that has been left too long in the pantry.  Price, $0.00 (again, I went to someone’s home, walked in (they don’t lock their doors in the “country”) and drew it from a kitchen tap).


Bottled water:

Colour, clear, somewhat shimmery in the sunlight that has now graced us with it’s presence. Taste, mild, bland, slightly plastic-ish, not unlike air but wet. Odour, none. Price, $2.69 for a full litre of the nectar of the clouds.



Water is boring, bland, even the variety of sources and means of obtaining it do not produce any substantial differences that bring it above milk or lemonade or gin.

Rating: Two glasses half full out of five.

Recommendation: Gin as an alternative to water at all times though water can be used to reduce alcohol content in gin for small children when you are starting their drinking of alcohol early in life.