Oh you, yes you. I am looking at you. It is not even close to lunch hour yet you may not survive the ensuing three hours you tasty friend of yours truly. Five glistening grey brown thin slices of roasted soy based faux-turkey goodness. You sat unaware upon a piece of lightly buttered Klosterbrot, abbey bread to the uninitiated, betwixt you a layer of artisanal Dijon moutard. I hid you, like a child at play in the autumn, beneath a pile of baby kale. I imagined you laughing with glee as your Tofurkey father yells “hey! I’m trying to rake these up before your Tofurkey mother gets home!” and you kept on playing beneath the detritus of fall knowing he isn’t truly angry. I covered you with a blanket of more Klosterbrot but not before it too was lightly buttered and slathered with sweet relish. Asleep in your bed, blissfully dreaming Tofurkey dreams of slaughter free food manufacturing technology, I cut you in half and shoved your carcass in a Ziploc bag.
I shall eat you now, your screams filling my ears as I plan my weekend.
Ooh look, I brought Kimchi and gouda with melba toast for dessert!!