I own a cat. I do not own a dog. I have always owned cats partly because they match my personality and partly because I am good with cleaning out a catbox and not stooping and scooping with a plastic bag on my hand. Gross. I don’t truly care for dogs as they are “needy”, social, attention demanding. And they get that sad look when you yell “get the hell off of the couch you filthy smelling animal” (we have dog sat once; my family had a few dogs when I was young.). Cats will just ignore you or at best get up and run away to sleep somewhere else though realistically you’d never say such things to a cat because they are generally clean and smell nice.

Cats go outside without you needing to.

Cats wash themselves and do not shake their wet fur around like an animal powered sprinkler.

Cats do not bark.

Cats are the animal equivalent of a self cleaning oven.

I have had this new haircut for about a year. It is the haircut equivalent of a dog. Known as an “undercut” it is sported by many men now and is reportedly one of the most requested cuts across all of North America. It is needy. It results in compliments (social). I have to actually mess with it when I get out of the shower but not immediately after. I need to let it dry JUST enough before I slap in the pomade and slick it back then over to the side then back then the side then pull the bangs across a bit then push them back JUST as it dries. It looks pretty damn good. But it gets out of sorts. It is hard to configure when pressed for time. It does NOT like hats (and it gets cold where I live). It requires a haircut every 2.5 – 3.0 weeks else I look like a freak. My old haircut did not.*


But I will keep it. I like it. Even though my wife keeps saying that short hair makes me look longer, I don’t care. It’s mine. But I will say I yearn for the days of old, my fifteen year haircut, the, what will we call it, the “No I’m Not a Cop, Seriously” cut. It took all of thirty seconds of preparation each morning and could be left for upwards of 4.5 weeks without a trim though I usually stuck to a 3.0 week regimen.

I’m forty-eight. I have lots of hair. This is a success in my books, dog or no dog.

Thank you David Beckham.

* Three finger length on top, thinning shears through it, ends of bangs razer cut, #2 clippers side and back, over the ears (my name is not Sally) and squared back.


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