Karen Says No
To this letter to our new neighbors
Unlike most other chapters devoted to my dear wife, this is being written with the ASSUMPTION she will deny the following as I know her well enough after twenty years together (almost).
Dear New Neighbor!
Hi! Welcome to the area! Perhaps we will have the opportunity to meet in person this winter or spring as we share a common piece of forest and drive past one another all the time. Granted, don’t get your hopes up (lol) as everyone in this part of the suburbs is fairly hermit-ish. We met the previous owners of your (strangely castle-ish) house twice in five years, when we freaked them out by actually knocking on their door on Halloween with the kids. Hilarity and concern ensued.
Speaking of kids, we have two at home and if you see them wandering the woods just be aware they are not feral, they are ours. One is sixteen and only if there is a power outage will you likely see him outside on a non-school day. The other is our outdoor cat and a gymnast and climbs everything ha ha! Note I am a very protective parent and if you walk up to him in the woods or on the road and I am not present, I will find out and may initially seem violent. I’m harmless really, laugh it off (lol)!
(Okay, note, I am not harmless, and I have that “Irish temper” thing you read about in books. I advise you stay away from my kids and we will get along fine…)
We have a third boy, he is an adult and tattooed. He as well is a bit of an outdoor cat, so if you see a guy with knuckle tats in the woods staring at rabbits, wave and smile, he is probably the friendliest of the older male humans in the house though technically he lives elsewhere. He also likes beer.
I also have two cats you may see wandering around. I hope you don’t have dogs. If you do, note previous comments about my silly protective nature which also extends to cats, especially the tabby. Cats are children-ish to me so yeah, no dogs please unless they are afraid of cats.
Having a shared woods means shared responsibilities too. If any of my trees fall on your property, please let me know. I own a chainsaw and if it is small enough (it’s not a big chainsaw) I will happily chop it up and pile the wood somewhere along the road for anyone that wants it. If it falls in my part of the woods, don’t worry, I may deal with it, or not. I like my forest to be shall we say “Mordor-y” with rotten trees and fog and those creepy wind chimes I make and hang from the branches. Note, they are made of wood and only SOUND/LOOK like bones. That dead raccoon I have bleaching on the rocks in view of your house is real though (It may in fact become a wind chime! Ha ha!)
Oh, and stay out of my woods.
And if a tree of yours falls onto my side of the property line I expect it dealt with chop chop! 🙂 (Pun intended)
And don’t feed squirrels please unless you want me to set up rat and coyote feeders along the property line, because I will do that.
So, enjoy the neighborhood!
Sean and Karen (she’s the nicer one).