Xmas Charity Humbug Where is my Scotch…

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I grew up in a fairly conservative family. Well, not exactly “conservative” in the modern American definition of the word (i.e. Anti-Pinko-Liberal-Grr-Hate-Terrorists Everywhere!!!) but the traditional Canadian definition. We generally didn’t talk about money or religion or bodily functions in public. One other thing we and most other people didn’t bring up, wave about, highlight in yellow or keep yapping on about was our charitable doings.

My mother was a bit of a Sheep of a Different Tone when it came to politics etcetera in our family. Leftist, hippie, feminist (the bra-burning variety), animal and downtrodden rights activist. She would tend to discuss a little louder (as lefty folks are wont to do) things like sealing (anti of course) and eating of veal (again, anti) around the elderly but didn’t go around telling everyone around her that she donated to a cause.

Fast forward to 2015. A person I have to be around on a frequent basis slides past my spot of reading repose over lunch hour and (loudly) exclaims how happy she is that her church has raised a certain amount of money for a refugee charity. I certainly don’t think this is a bad thing and the charity itself is not the issue. What is bothersome is that she is one of a growing number of people that feel the need to tell you every single day about some “good” they have taken part in. I ignore her and go about my business holding back from my (well prepared) speech about how I “don’t donate to any charity if that charity is related to an organization (primarily religious) that uses said charitable doings to promote themselves”. i.e. If it was the Red Cross, yes, if it was your church, no, do not ask me for my precious moolah.

I have wondered about this as time has passed. To use salty language, why the fuck do people want to tell you every time they recycle a cup or give a hobo a quarter? My wife listens to my rantings (she usually does, Cthulhu bless her heart) and responds that maybe some people do this to help promote the cause, to help it do better by coercing you to take part. I see her point. I do believe that some people, primarily the exceedingly wealthy, want to show you they are doing good in hopes you join them. Most however, are attention whores.

There are literally billions of people on earth. A lot of them are white. Hell, I’m white (really really stereotypically white too…). White people love attention. The more they feel like teenie tiny cogs in a great big every growing self replicating machine, the more they crave someone patting them on the back. They yearn for praise. They clamor for “well aren’t you just awesome!”s. They feel worthless and pointless until something gives them a sense of purpose.

Telling everyone that they did something un-reprehensible gives them that.

And a hit of dopamine the silly ape, chemical junkies.

So all in all, I get it, I do see why so many people brag (and yes it IS bragging if you tell people you did something to get a positive reaction) that they took part in a charity. This is wrong. Look, you should do good in your life. There is no biological reason to do so, but if you live in society, you should help out society, in some way, shape or form. If you find a charity or a cause that you truly believe in, absolutely jump in head first. BUT. If you ramble on about your doings, you need to stop. You need to think “am I telling this to people because I want recognition?”. If the answer is yes, then you are doing it for the wrong reason. If you live your life as a “good” person because you are wanting a reward (be it thank you’s or a afterlife boinking mystical virgins) you are being selfish. Do good for the sake of good, not for you.

And stay the fuck out of my office with your “voluntary” payroll charity deduction forms.

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What Is There More To Know About Christmas? – A Yuletide Song

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What is there more to know about Christmas
It happens in the winter when its cold
A pagan holiday
Modified in such a way
To draw the heathens deep into the fold

Happy Holidays!

What is there more to know about Christmas
Smile and nod, ignore all the others fails
You gather with your kin
Shovel the turkey in
While grandpa spouts some mostly racist tales

Merry Xmas!

What is there more to know about Christmas
Lists for Santa in the mail are “sent”
Stockings hung with care
For soon he will be there
So we all can unwrap disappointment

Um, Yeah, you too…!

But really, what’s to know about Christmas
Shows on TV, music in the shops
Even if you’re not a Christian
By rules of social convention
You must be be nice to all, yes even cops

Look I’m not really all that up on all the commercialization of an invented holiday…

So what is there left to know about Christmas
Whip out your credit cards and warm the car
It’s time you’re not at work
So unless you are a jerk
It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t leave a scar

Merry whatever people!

Old Man Training Guideline

My friends have convinced me to enter a Spartan Race. As I have seen plenty of chubby women at my gym wearing Competitor shirts from such events and assuming they didn’t just sleep with finishers to get thrm I have decided to agree. My training plan begins now.

Two months: intensive shift from weights and bulking to running, rowing and hill work.

Three months of careful diet including less carbs and less beer.

As far as booze goes, except for special occasions,  only drink on pay weeks and only 3 beer or equivalent.

After two months, shift running into higher gear, running  a half marathon in April.

Last two months move onto spartan event training.

I am going to die lol

Karen Says No – To Beer Snobbery (Another Excerpt From My New Book)

Karen Says No: To Me Being A Beer Snob (an actual conversation from today)

 From: Liddle, Karen

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:00 AM

To: Liddle, Sean Subject: question from our hosts

What kind of beer do you wish available?

 

From: Liddle, Sean

Sent: December-08-15 10:02 AM

To: Liddle, Karen

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

Well, since we need to get up early in the morning I’m okay with no beer. But since you are going to say “you need to be social” I don’t care really. Ales over Lagers, nothing fruit flavoured.

 

From: Liddle, Karen

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:29 AM

To: Liddle, Sean (IO)

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

Answer answer answer answer

 

From: Liddle, Sean

Sent: December-08-15 10:30 AM

To: Liddle, Karen

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

Sigh.  I don’t have “a beer” anymore.  I usually pick a couple every week or so that I haven’t had before or something that I know I like. Boddingtons is good.  Light beer (3.7%) but tastes like a nice winter ale or if he is going for more posh, anything by Wychwood Brewery or St Peters Brewery in north england .. typically I like anything with a higher than. 20 EBC and a 40 IBU .. see, I try not to be a beer snob in front of people but you make me a snob.

ebc

 

From: Liddle, Karen

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:31 AM

To: Liddle, Sean

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

Honest to god I don’t need an excel chart.  I will suggest Boddingtons or St Peters Ale.

 

From: Liddle, Sean

Sent: December-08-15 10:31 AM

To: Liddle, Karen

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

 

ibu

 

From: Liddle, Karen

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:37 AM

To: Liddle, Sean

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

Oh my god.

 

From: Liddle, Sean

Sent: December-08-15 10:51 AM

To: Liddle, Karen

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

See, my first answer was the most diplomatic.  I mean really, I don’t just buy beer.  I’m not some sort of lager swilling West Ham fan… jeesh.

Note: An Oktoberfest is low in hops but nice on a hot autumn day with a plate of sausage and sauerkraut… and I do enjoy a dunkelweisen in the summer

 

From: Liddle, Karen Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:52 AM To: Liddle, Sean Subject: RE: question from our hosts

AREN’T YOU DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS YET??

 

From: Liddle, Sean

Sent: December-08-15 10:54 AM

To: Liddle, Karen

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

I originally said “…ales over lagers, nothing fruit flavoured”.

 

From: Liddle, Karen

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:57 AM

To: Liddle, Sean

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

Yes, but I just wanted you to give me say three names.

 

From: Liddle, Sean

Sent: December-08-15 10:58 AM

To: Liddle, Karen

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

Boddingtons, St Peters (Winter or organic ale), Tom Green Ale

 

From: Liddle, Karen

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:59 AM

To: Liddle, Sean

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

There.  Now was that so hard?

 

From: Liddle, Sean

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 11:00 AM

To: ‘Liddle, Karen’

Subject: RE: question from our hosts

I’ll tell ya what’s hard little lady.. 😉

 

……………………………@

(Insert sound of tumbleweeds as silence completes the conversation)

 

Observational Humour Day

Drumming my fingers, listening to Comedy Central, patiently awaiting traffic to move a little faster as I attempt to a) buy a new pair of low-cut Cons (failure) and b) get my haircut (success). I decide to make note, on, oh let’s say a nearby paper napkin, of things around me. In no particular order, enjoy:

  1. Lady driving in front of me in a crappy little car has a “I Solemnly Sear that I Am Up To No Good” sticker on her window. A Potter fan. She magically moves up the line toward the intersection where we both plan on turning left, then, just as the light turns orange (sorry, amber) she stops on a dime, nearly wearing my much less crappy car on her bumper. She is certainly NOT striving for accuracy in the window sticker accuracy department.
  2. Woman ahead of me in a vehicle emblazoned with all sort of pro-canine stickers and a large corporate dog walking business magnetic sign. The sign contains a lithe long haired woman in a pencil dress successfully walking eleven (11) leashed dogs at once in a park. Pulling up beside her I see that this is false advertising. She in no way is lithe, would look like an anaconda who are an Umpa Loompa in a pencil dress and by no means could walk that many dogs on a leashes at one time.
  3. Thought to myself that some people might think my lack of desire to interact with humans or be involved in community minded activities as signs I was a sociopath. I don’t care about what they think or how they feel. (This made me laugh alone, in traffic, in full view of people, as I drove.”
  4. Crazy person just walked by talking angrily too herself. She really looks like an ex girlfriend of mine. All my ex girlfriends are crazy so yeah, completely possible.
  5. Lady who cut my hair is a non-smiling, generally friendly but direct person. Never makes eye contact even for a fleeting moment. She is black, dresses like she should have a southern accent and be in the lead role in a Bayou-based coven of witches. I would never tell her this though because I am afraid it could be true.
  6. Guy beside me looks like one of those kinds of backwoodsy fellows who wears a bacon themed humorous t-shirt. As he moves forward in traffic I can see he has a humorous bacon themed sticker on his bumper. I win!

Happy Friday.