Tiffany the Individual  – A Childrens Story

cutecow

 There once was a cow named Tiffany.  She awoke one morning and stretched and yawned and ate some hay then walked out of the barn into the yard.  All the other cows had headed out to pasture, so she followed from a distance and began to wander.  At the end of the day as the sun was setting she wandered back to the barn happy with her life.

The other cows were waiting for her in a great half circle.  Bessy, the mother of all spoke.

“Tiffany, It is Monday.  On Mondays we graze along the fence line beside the road. It’s what we always do. You were off in the hills far away.  Why?

“It was such a nice day I wanted to have the cool breeze from the lake blow across my back as I fed.  It was nice. I’m an individual, I don’t have to do what you do.”

The cows muttered and murmured and all went to their stalls.

On Tuesday Tiffany awoke and stretched and yawned and ate some hay then walked out of the barn into the yard.  All the other cows had headed out to pasture, so she followed from a distance then, again, began to wander.  At the end of the day as the sun was setting she wandered back to the barn happy with her life.

The other cows were waiting for her in a great half circle.  Bessy, the mother of all spoke.

“Tiffany, It is Tuesday.  On Mondays we graze in the hills, just like you did yesterday. It’s what we always do. You were off at the edge of the forest.  Why?

“It was such a hot day I wanted to be in the shade as much as I could all day as I fed.  It was nice. I’m an individual, I don’t have to do what you do.”

The cows muttered and murmured and all went to their stalls.

On Wednesday, the cows all grazed beside the pond, while Tiffany watched cars as she fed along the fence beside the road.

On Thursday they grazed on sweet clover beside the edge of the forest, while Tiffany stayed close to the barn, eating as she watched dragonflies catch insects all day.

On Friday, they stayed in the barn and under cover of the trees as it was raining non-stop, while she wandered aimlessly watching water flow in the creeks and ditches toward the lake.

On Saturday, the herd stood alongside the side road fence line to the delight of city people who would atop, take photos and feed them the grass they couldn’t reach through the fence.  Tiffany stayed in her stall all day, munching on hay and feed as she just didn’t feel like dealing with humans.

On each day the cows waited for her and Bessy, Mother of all, quizzed her and she gave her answers along with her statement of individuality to which they all muttered, murmured and sighed.

On Sunday, Tiffany stretched and yawned and ate some hay then walked out of the barn into the yard.  All the other cows had stayed quiet in their stalls so she began to wander.  At the end of the day as the sun was setting she wandered back to the barn happy with her life.

The farmer led her to a special stall.  It was in a special barn that had always been locked.  He patted her head, rubbed her neck, fed her special feed.  She was happy.  She was an individual.

The farmer quietly called the stock merchant who arrived a while later and silently ended her life, hauling her away to be slaughtered for the Farmer’s family for the coming winter.

Bessy could hear him as he spoke to his son after all was said and done. “She bin actin odd.  Perfectly safe fer eatin but ye can’t have an odd cow. It ain’t natural.”

 

 

Everyone is different.  Everyone has their own set of likes and dislikes.  Being different for the sake of being different however just doesn’t always work if you are part of a herd. You end up consumed.

…hair

hair – The Hair Song

I like to think I look decent for my age.  Well, let’s be honest, I only say this because other people say I don’t look forty-nine whereas I think I look like a bag of wet garbage.  Some may thank I am vain because I worry about this but again, not true, I merely try very hard to look decent and not like a hobo.  Some days I fail.  Some days I look okay. Some days I don’t want to leave the house, but I do because I have a job and responsibilities.

Like most people who are overly concerned with how they look on the outside, it’s not narcissism but inversely it is insecurity that makes them seem so.  That said, I have great hair and am pleased that I wear a size 33 pants and have only a smattering of grey hair, just enough to prevent people from thinking I dye it.

So in recap before I proceed, I’m insecure, slightly neurotic and as we know not all that social but concerned that I need look good (and smell good) every single time I leave the house.  I am also for the record exceedingly cheap. Well, frugal, it sounds better.

This Christmas past my wife blessed me with two small pots of very expensive hair product from American Crew ™. One was a paste, one a pomade (there is a difference you heathens).  I was pleased as punch as I am always a fan of having backup toiletries especially free ones.

She laughs when I rob my hotel room of unused bottles of shampoo etc. before I leave each day as I know when they turn down they will refill them (I use them at the gym). She laughs when I snag extra peanut butter containers from the continental breakfast set up (protein for after the gym!).

She laughs that I am persnickety about my hair.

She knows however that as much as I am frugal I do fully respect quality, hence the posher than I usually buy product.  Sadly, I left one in a hotel in TO and I used all of another.  I then ran out of all backup leftover mostly empty pots of pomade.  I woke up one morning looking otherwise decent (I guess) but with hair wet and unkempt.  I had a mild panic.  My insecurity level was eight and rising.  I dropped into problem solver mode and found a solution that made her stylist sneer and cringe when I related it to he a week later.

(I’ll tell you about my revelation after the flashback)

Christmas 2013. I was staying in a hotel in Toronto.  After work I rushed to check in, shower, change and meet my colleagues at a pre-chosen location for our unofficial Xmas gathering.  Most of them would have just  gone from the office to the restaurant/pub, but being me and the child of my fashionable, former disco queen and king parents, I refuse to go out for the evening when I am abroad in clothing I have worn all day.  I lay out my jeans (ironed), shoes, shirt (ironed, of course) and underwear.  I jumped in the shower, washed, temperature not too high as it will redden my face and make it obvious I showered, shampooed, dried and donned the terrycloth gown the hotel provided.  Drank a lot of water (good for the skin and prevents you from guzzling too much beer too soon), brushed teeth and ran out to throw on clothes and shoes.  Examined myself in the mirror, hid valuables so turn down squad wouldn’t rob me and realized “hair!”.  Ran to bathroom and immediately realized I had no product.

Panic.

Insecurity level 9.

I looked around me and saw the following:

  • Body lotion (mildly scented, not too girly)
  • Shoe wax
  • Scent free antiseptic hand gel

Using my McGuyver abilities and knowledge of chemistry I used the alcohol to break down the wax somewhat and the body lotion to soften the resulting goo and make it less harsh.  I produced Magical Emergency Hair Product and proceeded to try it on myself (all the best experimentation involves SELF experimentation).  Success.  Though note it required three shampooings to get out the next morning.

Flash back to this month.  Panic.  Insecurity level 8 and rising.  I thought about my previous dilemma and looked around, seeing nothing useful except for one bottle.  My savior. I grabbed it and carefully rubbed a fair amount between my hands then in my hair.  I styled it as per normal and was shocked to find it made for a more than acceptable emergency hair product. In fact, strike the word emergency.  I have been using it for two weeks now.  I wouldn’t call it a fulsome replacement, it is not re-moldable should you choose to mess with your hair midday, but it is a fine solution to hair issues and cheap.  I mean frugal.

Aveeno body lotion.

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I kid you not.  You will thank me, neurotic, insecure, fashionable, loyal teller of tales.

Now to find a cheap alternative to the expensive sock fetish I have developed of late…

And He Watched

dark-foggy-forest-moon-night-sky-Favim.com-104519

And he watched

From the kitchen window as he sipped his herbal

Into the nocturnal pitch he stared

Anticipating a flash of eye

but none

was offered he

And he watched

From the livingroom window

Beside his fire, warm and crackling

Awaiting proof

But none made itself visible

He could hear them through his open blinds

as he did not sleep

as he lay

alone

so alone

And he watched

From the safety of his raised wooden deck

axe in hand

glass of whisky in other

Of course,

they did not appear

but they saw

And he watched

As his wife and children fled

his obsession

insanity

corruption

absence

anger

And they did not appear

But he heard them

and he smelled their musk

and he knew they who stole away his brother

and father

and mother

were back

to finish their work

for his family were tied to the wood

and the wood tied to they

but the things, the wretched scaled hissing things

they wanted the wood without ties

bindings

connections

And he watched

As they in the darkness planted seed

stretched root

pulled runner

made the wood move

toward his cabin

closer

closer

close, enough

And he watched

And he fell

into ruin

and sickness

and sleep

And they watched

And they saw

and by night they stole into his open window

and tore him asunder

And he watched as they did rend

and he watched as light failed his glassy eyes

and as they screamed in guttural glee

and he knew

all was lost

as the moon rose into the sky

full and silent

and made twisted shadows on the open blinds

and he slept, confident in the knowledge

that one day they would know

he was right

As they dragged him into the wood

to become one with they

and his

and theirs

and the wood

again