Monkeywrench

Monkeywrench by The Foo fighters.

If ever there was a song you physically CANNOT listen to without having the urge to crank the stereo up to eleven* there has not been one. It is a perfect song for a bar fight. If ever I have the ability to score a bar fight with my mortal enemy** Kevin (not his real name***) this song would play in a loop until he was a whining pulpy faced mass on the floor. I would then chug back a double shot of high-test rum, walk briskly behind the bar and rinse my knuckles off in the bar sink, chewing on a lime garnish as I did, until the cops arrived. It would give me time to concoct my alibi and as a professional liar I am sure I could have one pretty fast.

“Kevin” is/was a jackass. “Kevin” was a skinny, tall bully who surrounded himself with other guys who did his bidding and his bidding was usually picking on the nerdlings including myself. Sure, being a short, small in stature guy who was not very adept at making/keeping/attracting friends and who was one of the more academic sorts who disliked hockey (a crime in my small town) I had at least one guy a year who made my life hell. Two of them are now dead and being a person who is very good at holding grudges way past their expiry date I smiled when I found out. Kevin however is still alive, in a management position with a wife and children. I’d post a photo from his corporate page if only to show you that he still has that smarmy look he had when he was sixteen, the one I’d like to punch while The Foo Fighters played overhead multiple times, but hey, maintaining anonymity for him and all that.

I have in recent years noted my fiery nun-punching angry hatred of Kevin to a few semi-close friends. They expressed “no idea” that he was like that and that he “always seemed nice” to them. “Well of course he did, you were female” I think. Not that he had a chance with any of these people, but in true form he hid his alternate self from them in the hopes they would be nice in return. Nice as in eighties teen comedy girls dating bad boys they had no idea were bad nice. Needy smarmy prick. I am SO glad he never got in any of their pants. I am also glad he had other personal, medical shall we say or more accurately pharmaceutical issues in his past. Sadly he overcame them so he probably feels pretty good about himself.

This frankly sucks.

We had a reunion a few years back that did not occur in the end. I had no desire to attend at first, but was roped into assisting organize it by a cute girl asking me to help and yeah, I’m a sucker for a cute girl asking me to do stuff. The only reason I found to be unlikely to bail on it at the last-minute was that he would be present. He and his wife and hopefully his older kids. In my mind I wrote a speech, as I was asked to, and in said speech I would crack jokes, introduce people, defer to the djay and all the usual jazz. I also had in my mind a separate speech add-on that would involve mentioning aloud how much I hated high school and how a good part of why I did and why I turned out to be as jaded toward humans in general was (dramatically point finger, spotlight goes up on his table) Kevin. To see his dainty wife, who stood by him as he overcame his personal crap and became a local business professional (of sorts, I mean I don’t stalk him but he clears MAYBE 70k/annum) and a father to her children, find out that he was a bully in school and there was at least one person who still could not be happy completely so long as he was still breathing, or at least not under a train bridge doing favours for hobos for beer money and smokes. My apologies, Long sentence. Run on thoughts.

I would then drop the mic dramatically, pull out a couple of pairs of boxing gloves and offer him the chance to go out back. He would decline with an embarrassed laugh, a laugh that rattles due to years of smoking etc. I would say “thought so”. Then just like the last reunion, I would get up, down my beer and walk out the door with my wife on my arm, get in my much-more-expensive-than-his car and crank Monkeywrench.
* If you do not get this reference, seriously, stop reading my things until you Google it.


** As opposed to my nemesis, Jason Priestly, who people have on and off thought I was

 

*** Yes it is

Bond Film Theme Reviews (Because that Sam Smith Guy Won An Oscar)

So, Sam Smith won an Oscar for Writing’s on the Wall, theme song for the 2015 Bond Film “SPECTRE”. I read the news telling me this and I think to myself “Really?  The song that instantly made me think that the film was going to be rubbish before I even saw it? The song that had me yearning for a remote so I could skip past it during the opening credits even though I was in a VERY EXPENSIVE Ultra AVX theater seat, pre-booked MONTHS IN ADVANCE?”

Yes, I think it’s crap.  Well, crap as a Bond film theme. As a pop song its drivel but passable drivel.  I’d never purchase it let alone voluntarily listen to it more than a few seconds.  It’s better than Adele’s Elmer Fudd mocking Skyfall but then again so is my kid singing Mary had A Little Lamb.

I know, enough, enough.  Not all Bond themes were spectacular, some being downright horrid.  I prefer the thumping exciting ones that get you in the mood for the film as half naked women in silhouette dodge bullets and writhe on the barrels of automatic pistols, but who am I?  JUST THIS GUY who was born on the same day as Ian Fleming and who was named after Sean Connery that’s who!!

I present you with my following quickie reviews of all Bond film themes.  No apologies offered.

James Bond Theme

Nothing short of excellent.  Instrumental, driving and mood enhancing, any mood, any time.  Seriously, play it at a funeral and people will smile.
*****/***** (the standard thus set)

From Russia With Love

A little slow for my tastes but it suits the overall theme of the film and the book as well.
****/*****

Goldfinger

Slamming.  A spectacular thrash of excitement layered with oozing sexiness thanks to Shirley Bassey’s sultry voice.
*****/*****

Thunderball

Lyrically kind of silly but Tom Jones god damn it all in his god damn heyday. Who doesn’t love this song? SPECTRE that’s who.  It strikes fear into their hearts.
*****/*****

You Only Live Twice

The mood is somber, because you JUST SAW BOND SHOT DEAD (or did you?).  A well written, decent song quoting the novel nicely.  And Nancy Sinatra! In HER heyday.
****/***** (Though I am being generous)

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (theme)

Hrmm.  The suckage begins. Not great.  Not good really.  Just, well, meh.
**/*****

We Have All The Time In The World

A beautiful song.  Really.  Tear inducing.  Lots of tears.  The title from the last line of the novel when Bond’s wife Tracy dies. Armstrong reportedly too ill to play trumpet at the time of recording was hired as only he could give the song life and a sense of mild irony to the lyrics.  Who cannot love this song.  SPECTRE that is who!  Heartless bastards!
*****/*****

Diamonds are Forever

Well, I don’t dislike this song at all but it begins the “not quite a Bond Film” theme from this point further. It doesn’t help that the movie is the second worst Bond film. Mr Connery, my namesake (or am I his) should have bailed on this one as should have Ms Bassey.

**/*****

Live and Let (F*cking) Die

(I added the F word).  IGNORING THE MINDLESS LYRICS it is a spectacular song!  Tosses you right from the opening intro into a great film even though it stars Roger Moore who was great as the Saint.  That’s all I will say.
*****/*****

The Man With The Golden Gun

Lulu was HAWT. Hot.  HOT!  And her voice, it could melt the polyester disco suit off a man dancing away to this on a Saturday night! And it is a great song for a mediocre film that really tossed away a good deal of the novel’s plot.
****/***** (close to a 5)

Nobody Does It Better

… Shoot me in the head with a 0.25 Calibre Beretta Automatic.  I have no use for this song.  Wait, I do, if I ever open a toilet paper factory and have a few million dollars for advertising.
**/*****

Moonraker

Worst Bond Film. Terrible song.  Here, watch for yourself. It’s rubbish:
*/*****

Moonraker Intro Theme (it’s terrible)

For Your Eyes Only

Okay, I have a thing for Sheena Easton (circa 1981-86). This taints my ability to properly review this song.  It’s okay as a song, nothing as good as her Sugar Walls (snicker). The film itself is mediocre at best and if I were to think about it, the song matches the aging Moore’s slowness of gait and schmaltzy way of womanizing.  Honestly, its not good. There, I said it and Sheena will never ever talk to me even though she’s only eight years older than me and it IS possible we could be together, widowed / widowered in a nursing home looking for some “What Comes Naturally” after the staff have put us all in our rooms.  We’d Say “We’ve Got Tonight” then “Strut” in to “The Arms of Orion” for “Kisses”.
**/***** (It should be a 1 but I am still holding out hope)

All Time High

Don’t even start. It sucks donkey. And not in the good “We’re drunk in Tijuana! Lets go see an animal show!” way.
**/*****

A View To A Kill

Here we go! Finally another great theme from one of my favorite bands!  Nothing bad to say about this one.
****/*****

The Living Daylights

Again, a great song, by another favorite band of the time, Aha (taaaaake onnnnn meeee). Movie, well, frig, don’t even start. I’ll listen to the song for 90 minutes and you tell me when Dalton is finished trying to ruin the franchise.
****/*****

License To Kill

Again, where is that 0.25 Beretta.  What a garbage song.  Granted, it DID suit the GARBAGE movie. Gladys damn you have you never watched a Bond film? Okay, okay, she didn’t write it but still. Garbage film, garbage Bond theme.  Jesus Christ.
*/*****

Goldeneye

I’m not a Tina Turner fan and I have no use for Bono but this was okay.  Maybe it’s just because it suited the film or maybe because of License to Kill making everything seem better. Just okay. Not great. Okay in a TV Movie of the Week Theme way.
***/*****

Tomorrow Never Dies

Crap crap crap crap crap. I’m getting tired.  Maybe this is becoming binary. Crap, honey, crap, honey.  This one is crap.  I didn’t even remember it till I YouTubed it.  I must have wiped my memory. Moving on…
**/*****

The World is Not Enough

I love Shirley Manson and Garbage is a great band.  This is a decent song.  It suits the film and brings about a Bondian atmosphere. Nothing bad about this.
***/*****

Die Another Day

Madonna. Meh.  Its not a good song, its not a good Bond theme.  It’s Madonna.
**/*****

You Know My Name

I didn’t like it when I first heard it but it grew on me as I watched Casino Royale over and over and over again.  Yes, a great song.  First in a long while. Suits the film and does not insult the franchise LIKE MADONNA did.
****/*****

Another Way to Die

An interesting combination, Jack White and Alicia Keys. A decent song as well with good brass instrument throw ins to hearken back to old themes.  I like it.  Might not suit the franchise as well as some but suits the film itself.
***/***** (3.5 really)

Skyfall

I do not like Adele.  I find her Elmer Fuddyness makes her otherwise decent range un-listenable. I also do not like this song.  Perhaps if it was sung be someone less apt to marry Bugs Bunny in an opera and perhaps if they cut back the use of the word Skyfall by oh say 75%.
*/*****

Writing’s on the Wall

This is a pop ballad, not a Bond theme.  Ugh.  Maybe an end credits song in the last film of the series when Bond dies.  Terrible shite.
-*/*****

Windy

Windy by The Association.
He hummed it when stressed
It brought about calm
He whistled it when anxious
It allowed him to focus
A throwback to his youth
A memory of his mother ironing
Folding,  cleaning, cooking,  singing
Windy washed away the age
Windy blew away the years
Windy had stormy eyes
Windy by The Association
It allowed him to focus
When he was about to fire a slack worker
When he was about to embezzle his firm
When he stood in line in the bank and contemplated crime
Windy gives his imagination wings that fly
Above the dreary clouds of middle age

I’d Like To Ignore the Academy

I don’t care about the Oscars. Rarely, very rarely, a movie I enjoyed or I thought was deserving of an award is nominated.  To me it is fatuous back patting to the extreme and I’d rather watch a South Park marathon, or listen to music or sleep.

Now. Some person of colour and their supporters are unhappy that they have been unfairly represented in Oscar wins if not nominations. Well,  I understand their unhappiness.  Racism,  real or perceived is not a good thing. But looking back I don’t see very many black actors in lead or supporting roles in the movies I thought should have been nominated

The problem is my friends, casting. Get in those lead roles in the kinds of movies that win and if nominations do not  come about,  raise hell. Until then, quota awarding or creating new awards to support black acting is almost worse than how it stands now.

And while I am at it, Blackpool 2016!

That is all.

What Is There More To Know About Christmas? – A Yuletide Song

ElfIMDB

What is there more to know about Christmas
It happens in the winter when its cold
A pagan holiday
Modified in such a way
To draw the heathens deep into the fold

Happy Holidays!

What is there more to know about Christmas
Smile and nod, ignore all the others fails
You gather with your kin
Shovel the turkey in
While grandpa spouts some mostly racist tales

Merry Xmas!

What is there more to know about Christmas
Lists for Santa in the mail are “sent”
Stockings hung with care
For soon he will be there
So we all can unwrap disappointment

Um, Yeah, you too…!

But really, what’s to know about Christmas
Shows on TV, music in the shops
Even if you’re not a Christian
By rules of social convention
You must be be nice to all, yes even cops

Look I’m not really all that up on all the commercialization of an invented holiday…

So what is there left to know about Christmas
Whip out your credit cards and warm the car
It’s time you’re not at work
So unless you are a jerk
It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t leave a scar

Merry whatever people!

The Wall

I’m not him. I never was. I never will be.
Potbellied,  flip flops, balding
A modern day Larry from the Three stooges
A giant billowing blue shirt
Images of a sunny beach
And a surfboard
His shiny new pickup red, chrome
Much needed for someone of his substantial girth
And height
He pulls up all smiles and winks and flirty glances
All for the girls at the cash
He reeks of booze and suntan lotion
He walks to the pharmacy and picks up his prescription
Requests to be served by his friend the pharmacist
Who barely seems to know him
Pays for his viagara quietly
Refuses a discussion on side effects
Puts it in the bag with his cheese puffs
Drives away, Pink Floyd blaring into the night